damn it

I'm trying to figure out what the purpose of everything is. Without purpose there shouldn't be .. anything. Why would we be existing? To simply be part of the earth's cycles? It can't be that because the animals are fine without us. THEY fit the bill. We just are fucking everything up. Since we 'came to be'.

I look back at all my food eaten, travels, memories (which fade with every day), things purchased, entertainment i've experienced, books i've read (which also fade from my memory every day and force me to re-read them), friends ive had-have, and I wonder what point of it all is. 

Then you throw in our CONSTANT struggle to keep these bodies alive and in good condition (which is a daily fight), and it becomes pretty proposterous. Especially with my family .. our bodies break down in the weirdest ways and i'm sure people with ailments much worse than mine question this same thing.

I could argue (for myself and everyone out there) that the point is connection. To people and to the world. I've argued that before. The only reason were here is friendship and affecting others, and friends. Also, love (supposedly). But I don't know if I can say that anymore. Friendships get thrown under the bus in a heartbeat it seems, relationships break and suffer daily. And strain. People trying to 'make it work' in order to keep it up. That idea of harmony. Working at it so it comes together and both parties are happy. A struggle to appease instead of something more pure and effortless. The only harmony (albeit a distrubing one) is with the animals, mother nature if you will, and the earth itself. It's grotesque at times, but it seems to be effortless doesn't it? The birds continually do what they do. They don't second guess themselves. They don't worry and ponder existence. They just be. 

*That being said this is also trobuling to me. That in my darkest hour - walking along some road somewhere I see two birds fighting each other. Even within the simplest of 'working' parts of our earth there is disharmony. There is sadness. And fear and greed. The birds battle for their supremecy daily. Even the smallest of creatures .. want to attack and kill each other. Over what?

What are they fucking fighting for? The 'cycle of life'? So in order to maintain a planet the animals upon it have to do battle with each other daily in order to survive. What kind of planet are we on? Does anyone think about that? Couldn't there be another way? We've all read sci-fi novels. Planets with a wide variety of ecosystems and creatures. Ones that get along in harmonious (to overuse the word) fashion.

Then you think about creation. And argue that is our purpose. That when we create we do affect people. But then have to, in turn, keep on creating or what happens? People forget about us. Oh remember that band? or that artist or actor? Oh yeah? But i'm much more into 'whatevers hot right now' .. and the whole 'what did you do for me lately' thing shows up.

If you can create long lasting works of art (like some can argue picasso, etc have done) then you seem to stick around a little longer. But how many people get to do that? And I think of the sadness around all those people creating things everyday that will never have their stuff seen or truly appreciated. *sidenote if you are creating because you feel it in your gut, that you have to (like i have) and it gives YOU satisfaction that's the best reason TO create, and you should keep doing it. I'm just disenchanted with the reason for expressing ourselves in a world (and society) that is so fickle, and superficial. 

But even when we do create things (especially now with the internet setup as a pay to play system) in a world full of millions of other things (and the ones backed by the most money getting the most exposure) who does it really connect with? And facebook likes do NOT count. What a pointless activity. I'd rather have a pat on the back or an actual smile in my direction. 

Also adding to that - even as I write these words .. a million random people hate it, have their own view of it, have their own reality of it, or worse yet (and most likely) will never read it. So I express it for myself. I put it down on (virtual) paper for my own brain. So I can process it. I can see it out there in front of me and organize it's components. That, at the end of the day, is it's only true purpose.